


If Gotham was in Idaho

by chocolateandsilver



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, dubious depictions of Idaho, dubious depictions of potatoes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolateandsilver/pseuds/chocolateandsilver
Summary: If Gotham was in Idaho...
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	If Gotham was in Idaho

**Author's Note:**

  * For [distracted_dragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/distracted_dragon/gifts).



_Setting:_ _Gotham, Idaho_

It starts, as always, with a tragedy. Thomas and Martha Wayne, killed in a back alley, leaving their son an orphan. The killer escaped, leaving behind a single weapon: a potato gun. They left behind their company, Wayne Enterprises, which revolutionized the field of potato farming due to the invention of a new potato harvester. 

Their son, years later, lurks in a potato field. He crouches there, in fitted black body armor and a cowl with two pointed ears.  _ Batman, _ they call him. The protector of Gotham, Idaho. Today, his target is a group of arms dealers, who have connections to a network of potato smugglers all over Idaho. His mission? Capture and interrogate the leader on the whereabouts of other potato smugglers. He has to be careful. Scarecrow’s been known to lurk in open fields. Batman hears a rustle nearby. He turns. It’s just a normal scarecrow. He returns to his brooding. 

Two hours later, the leader has been captured and dropped off right in front of Commissioner Gordon, who offers him a grim nod. Batman returns the grim nod. Commissioner Gordon is the only officer here he actually trusts; the rest of them are just rotten potatoes.

The arms dealer groans on the rough stone floor.  _ “Fuck,” _ he said. “He kicked me right in the nuts.”

Commissioner Gordon nudges him with his boot. “Tough taters,” he says. He turns to talk to Batman, but Batman is already gone. 

* * *

Batman enters his Batcave in style, Batmobile tires screeching to a halt on the pavement. He exits dramatically, cape flaring out around him. 

Alfred is there waiting alongside all the souvenirs. Behind him is Batman’s most prized trophy: a potato draped in gold, on its own pedestal. Tim comes down every once in a while to photograph it. He’s a very talented boy; he runs a photography blog now called  _ Hot Potato _ . Critics call it,  _ Scintillating, and at times, disturbing.  _

Alfred hands him a plate. “Your evening snack, sir,” he says. On the plate is a raw potato, finely sliced, along with a bowl of caviar for protein. Batman takes it. He has a long day tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re from Idaho… Tough taters. I know nothing about Idaho. I know nothing about Batman or the DCU. I know nothing about potatoes. If you have questions or concerns, feel free to leave me a comment! I’m not going to respond to any of them, but you can leave one! Have fun!


End file.
